First gear

My efficiency is closely tied into the level of stress that I feel that I am under.  I actually require a certain level of stress in order to get things done.  Remove said stress and I sort of power down and accomplish nothing.  In other words, I tend to prefer to feel like I am partially out of control. It's a very narrow window for it to be efficient though.  Push it too far and I spin out of control.  Push it too slow and I lack the momentum to do much.

One can imagine that life with two young children, a more than full time job while still nursing typically permits for such a level of stress.  And typically it does.  Yet this week I found myself lacking to do lists of more items that humanly imaginable to accomplish, laundry piles 3 days old waiting to be folded or charts to be finished.  I wasted several hours doing on line shopping, dropped Ellie off at school and picked her up one day and went running twice.  Clearly I had a relatively light week at work (somehow I had over 40 patients of the 70 scheduled no show) and I was not on call (which has dogged me the last few times).  By Thursday night, I said to Mike "I feel lost".  But by Friday afternoon, I was actually feeling sort of Zen about it.  I left work early to pick Ellie up and didn't think twice about leaving the office at 2:30 pm.  And over the weekend, I didn't make a to do list for myself and didn't leave the house all day Saturday until it was time for Mike and I's date.  By Sunday I wasn't even looking at the clock (although did make a mental to do list). 

These periods of rest are not necessarily uncommon to me.  Sometimes after a big deadline or something I will refuse to do any work at home for a month.  I always seem to have some academic thing hanging over my head.  But this time I actually feel different.  Refreshed, absolutely.  Ready to do some work, for sure.  But realizing that life doesn't have to always be filled with something to do to make you feel like you have over accomplished each day--now that's a new feeling of freedom.  Maybe it's time to sit back and cruise in first gear.